Who am I to conduct research?
One of the most useful parts of my PhD journey was when my viva examiners asked me to write a positionality statement as part of my minor corrections. This really helped me to understand why I am drawn to particular emergences within the research. Here is what I wrote:
As a care leaver, my struggle for belonging has been influenced by injustices relating to the intersections of my life such as being mixed race and working class, having no father and being female. This has shaped my view of the world as being a place of violence, destruction and distrust which has meant that I have always sought to reject anthropocentric, patriarchal dominance. To this end, this has drawn me to new materialist theory which informs my exploration of empathy as affective, embodied, and emergent, highlighting the interconnectedness between humans and the more-than-human world as I strive for social and environmental justice. Through this lens I am also drawn towards feminist theory as I engage with the works of scholars such as Donna Haraway and Rosi Braidotti. They highlight the importance of challenging dominant power structures, advocating for gender equality, and centring marginalised voices and experiences. In my thesis, I incorporate feminist perspectives to promote empathic relationships that transcend human-centric views. For instance, Donna Haraway's (2015) concept of the Chthulucene reflects my feminist approach to environmentalism, highlighting the need to embrace multispecies justice. Furthermore, Rosi Braidotti's (2013) notion of embodied subjectivity provides a framework for understanding empathy as a situated and embodied practice that is shaped by diverse social, cultural, and environmental factors throughout the research processes.
Furthermore, the acknowledgement of my Indigenous background, rooted in the Sindhi and Pashtun tribes of South Asia, which took a long time for me to recognise as part of my identity, has helped me to establish a feeling of belonging on this planet that I could not see during my difficult childhood years. This acknowledgement has led to a deeper exploration of Indigenous voices which emphasise relationality, interconnectedness, and respect for all living beings. These explorations arise responsively throughout the research process as they emerge through deeper thinking-with-the-planet but for me are very necessary to the understanding of socio-environmental issues.
These personal experiences of intersectional injustices, have led me to a more socialist viewpoint in life as I believe that society should be run collectively by the people, Together with my early rejection of formal education due to not being able to choose the subjects I wanted to do as a female, this all directly links to my focus on disrupting neoliberal education. As someone who has navigated intersecting systems of oppression, including racism, sexism, and classism, I have first-hand experience of the inequalities which emerge from neoliberal ideologies within educational institutions. This awareness fuels my commitment to challenging hegemonic norms and fostering more equitable and inclusive educational practices which is the main purpose of my research.
Finally, my PhD quest has arisen from a feeling of rejection and misunderstanding throughout my early years which las led to me wanting to be listened to and achieve recognition. Furthermore, being told that I would never achieve beyond school-level qualifications because I am a female care leaver has driven me even more to get to the top level of education. To this end, this quest is about socio-environmental justice from a personal level, embedded within the more-than-human, as well as one that understands the world as a connected, empathetic place.
I wanted to share this because I believe that my experiences are still heavily linked to my journey as striving for a research career and plays a huge role in why I was unable to fulfil this career until after I turned 50. When you have the sort of upbringing I have had, you are not able to be supported from an early age to do well. My upbringing on a council estate by a single parent meant that I had no opportunities to follow a career I wanted to. Instead, my self esteem was low so I sought out love from all the wrong places. I ended up having children at a young age because I was desperate to feel the connection of love from anywhere. My children saved me but I was young when I raised them, with my own mental health issues which meant they were passed down to my own children. I also had no money to give them the support they needed either. The knock on effect from this is still present because they still need a lot of support from me. This means that I am constantly overloaded with stress whilst trying to do my job the best way possible.
I have also had to work alongside my studies since day 1 to support my family because I have had no financial support. This has meant that my PhD took much longer than I would have liked it to. I am also still effected by the racism and sexism I received and I often feel judged by people. This means that public speaking is a big issue for me meaning that I am unable to promote my research as much as I want to.
However, I have plodded along an have got to where I am now so I am grateful for the funding from the fellowship to finally do what I want to even though I always feel like I am running to catch up.
To read more about my educational journey, I have recently written an article for the care leavers connected magazine. You can read it here on page 7: Care Leavers Connected October Issue by careleaversconnected - Issuu
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